Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I’ve been on anti-depressants (Prozac for all of you versed in psychopharmacology) for at least 8 years. Those have been some pretty good eight years, exactly what I needed - stability, ability to maintain a healthy relationship and healthy friendships. But for some reason, I’ve recently decided it wasn’t enough. I wanted to feel again, to experience some lows, perhaps to justify to myself that I actually need these meds. I wanted to be able to think again, to ponder, to appreciate. So back in therapy after a 6-year hiatus, I’ve decided to try some new meds. I’m currently making the switch from an anti-depressant to a mood stabilizer. As my partner can contest, I come from a family with delusions of grandeur, and sometimes I come home feeling like Napoleon ready to take on the world, I decide it's best to start with cleaning my house but never make it past that. So perhaps this “stabilizer” will help the lows not be so low, and the highs not be so unrealistic.
I found out yesterday from my therapist that these new meds will take up to six weeks to kick in. So I’m in this weird limbo where I’m feeling again, everything makes me cry, I want to bore people to death with how crappy I’m feeling, how nothing in this world makes sense. I’m smoking cigarettes while sober, sipping on bourbon and listening to sad music. But oddly, I’m feeling a little more like “me.” I’m thinking about things, about existence, about purpose. Before, I was only thinking about thinking. Now I’m actually doing it. So I’m taking this time, before the meds kick in in a few weeks, to express myself. I haven’t written a song or made a journal entry in years simply because I felt like I had nothing to say. But now I do. It’s kind of all over the place, very self-indulgent and probably not interesting to most people. But I’m hoping it will help me cope with my fucked up brain chemistry. And down the road I’m going to use these words to remind myself of who I really am, but also that who I really am can’t function and can’t coexist in a world that demands one be entertaining and ambitious.
I’m not a writer. I’ll make grammatical errors, misuse dashes and commas. But I feel that doing this will be better than posting something on facebook in code hoping that someone will pick up on it and reach out. I’m doing this in hopes of strengthening my relationship with the people who mean something to me. And I’m hoping to develop a coping mechanism that will allow me to one day live without stabilizers.
