A few days ago I was starting to worry that my emotional and creative edge was slipping away again. I was feeling "good" and that scared me. How to define "good?" In my case I started thinking about quitting my non-drunk smoking, didn't listen to sad music, and felt motivated to do something other than mope. And I didn't like it. I told my therapist that I felt the drugs were kicking in and that I was getting concerned about the void coming back. She gave a logical suggestion: wait until I'm on the full dose before fully examining any numbing effects it might have on my soul. In short, I was feeling good and didn't necessarily like it. And why is that? Because I want to be a brooding lesbian! There, I said it! I want to be Jim Stark! Jim Stark was sexy and emotional and charming and lost. But while these characteristics would be attractive to people between the ages of 16 - 25, adults would find him unreliable, annoying, still lost and probably a crystal-meth junkie.
It's a pathetic, childish aspiration. But going for a hike with a pack of smokes and a bottle of bourbon sounds pretty good right now - maybe even throw in a game of chicken. But I can't help but wonder if I want to be this person because it's a more accurate reflection of who I really am or who I'm really not?
"i beg your pardon, but i'm not lookin for a cure"
ReplyDeleteto add a little more jenny lewis to your life (you know, that redheaded chick i kept trying to explain to you that one time... the lead singer of rilo kiley ("with arms outstretched" on your cd)), this post feels like a lot like a song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Z-e7XYW1Qk
** i realize how gay it is to invoke song here, but since you keep titling your blog posts after songs... deal with it **
i'm liking this jenny lewis chick...
ReplyDeleteLetting go of that angry, brooding, smoking, drinking, unhappy person was impossible for me, so I have just relegated her to non-dominance. I'm never going to be that good girl who eats all the healthy food and exercises and does all the right things. She's not me, and when I do that, I sabotage myself by letting something spiral out. At least this way I can embrace her and let her have a piece of me, just not all of me. (JD)
ReplyDeletecaitlin, you are such a good little lesbo. god i love you.
ReplyDeletealex, let's get motorcycles and bring that bourbon on the road. jim is super hot. we can be both productive responsible adults and brooding fast car driving butches with big knifes. if that isn't possible, i want no part of this world.
I'm a big fan of self-destruction as a coping mechanism - it's always been one of my favorites, anyway.
ReplyDeleteFor me, one of the problems is that I hate feeling like a good little cog in a good little machine, and I think meds can sometimes make you (okay, me)feel like that because they make you so much more productive.
One of the ways I deal is by taking up weird little rebellious projects - bike commuting, for example. It's perfect for this purpose because it's both hazardous to me and annoying to others. My daily battle for road space with the four-wheeled schmucks gives me a much needed sense of going against the grain.